I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
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i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
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At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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