Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
