I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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