Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Randomize
