I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You are a genius and a whore.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
