He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
