Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
