I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
