My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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