Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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