if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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