4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
