Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
