my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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