Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
