Will you blow on my dice?
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
