Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
