I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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