Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
