My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
