I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
