AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
This is classic penis vs brain.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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