if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
