I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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