Michael Bay diarrhea
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
