I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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