what day is it and did you see me today?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
