I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
