I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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