i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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