I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
