the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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