it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
