Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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