Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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