really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
