mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
