I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
