She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
