It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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