I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
