wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
