Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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