Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
