Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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