I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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