He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
