I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Randomize
