I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
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It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
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Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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