K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
