You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
