it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
