im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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