life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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