I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
