im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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