He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
