walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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